When you tie the knot you want to make sure that you have the best support team around you. Like the advice from one of the real brides in wedding day advice from real brides and grooms, you should ‘choose your team well’. Just the same as if you were putting together a project team at work, the people you choose to have around you at your wedding are crucial. So pick the bridesmaid that will keep you calm when you are stressed, offer advice when needed, and won’t complain when you ask them to make favours the night before the wedding!
5 times the bridesmaid
At one point in my life, I honestly thought that the film 27 Dresses was written about me! I thought I was destined to only ever be a bridesmaid and not a bride. I even thought about being a professional bridesmaid at one point!
I have actually been bridesmaid 5 times at different parts of my life: flower girl at just turned one and only just walking in the late 1970s, cute bridesmaid with orange dress with puffball sleeves in the 80s, and embarrassed tweenie bridesmaid in an unusual red bridesmaid dress in the 90s.
Probably the most influential and meaningful weddings that I was honoured to be a part of (prior to my own of course) were those of my two closest friends in July 2007 and August 2008 when I was a grown up.
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride
Early Roman law required that there were 10 witnesses at a wedding (which has now evolved into having bridesmaids and groomsmen). Back then, the witnesses had to dress exactly like the bride and groom in order to fool any evil spirits in the room from coming after the happy couple.
The bridesmaid superstition about being ‘three times the bridesmaid, never the bride’ stems back to the 16th century. Back then people thought that if you’d been a bridesmaid 3 times and hadn’t caught the eye of a suitable partner then you were obviously destined to end up on your own.
Not to worry though, this curse could be lifted once you’d been a bridesmaid at 7 weddings. Or according to folklore, you can also reverse the curse by catching the bride’s bouquet.
The old saying could also be found in the title of the 1917 English Music Hall song ‘Why am I always the Bridesmaid?’ by Charles Collins and Fred W Leigh (who are famous for other songs such as ‘Any old iron’ and ‘Don’t dilly dally on the way’.)
Why am I always the bridesmaid Never the blushing bride Ding dong, wedding bells Only ring for other girls One fine day Oh let it be soon I shall wake up in the morning on my own honeymoon.
I was reminded of this song when I recently watched ‘Behind number 9’ series 1 episode 1 when they are all playing sardines and one of the characters sang it inside the wardrobe where they are hiding.
A more recent musical, ‘I love you, you’re perfect, now change’ from the late 1990s also featured a song around this superstition called ‘Always a bridesmaid’:
Well, I’ve walked down the aisle As much as Liz Taylor But I’ve always stood off to the side Each bride has me dressed In a gown I detest Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Role of the bridesmaid
For me, it wasn’t a curse though – it was wonderful to be one of their bridesmaids It feels so wonderful to share someone’s special day and be part of the wedding party. And I was lucky enough to play a number of these different attendant roles at weddings.
Chief bridesmaid
A chief bridesmaid (or maid of honour) is the principle unmarried attendant who acts as advisor, messenger and personal assistant to the bride. She often organises the hen party, holds the bride’s bouquet during vows, arranges the bride’s veil or train during the day, and helps with planning if required.
The chief bridesmaid offers moral support, advice and emotional support more than anything else.
Traditionally when the couple returned home from their honeymoon, the chief bridesmaid would wait at their home and welcome them.
Matron of honour
The Matron of Honour is a married female attendant.
Bridesmaids
A bridesmaid can be a girl or woman (usually one of several) who accompanies the bride on her wedding day. Bridesmaids help choose their own outfits, attend fittings, form part of the bridal procession, welcome guests, and offer cake around to guests.
Other duties could include acting as a witness if necessary, joining the receiving line, looking after the wedding dress during the honeymoon, or doing a reading in the ceremony.
Flower girl
A flower girl has less responsibility and is mainly there to look cute. Sometimes they might be asked to scatter petals ahead of the bridal procession or even hold a long wedding dress train down the aisle.
Ring bearer
With extra responsibility is the chosen one to carry a pillow down the aisle with the rings tied to it.
Bridal party
Whether male or female, the attendants you choose are the support network for the bride and groom, helping them to plan (and enjoy) the big day, and come armed with the wedding day survival kit.
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There will probably be some tough decisions to make with your guest list. Ultimately, it all boils down to who you want in the room with you and how well do you want to know the people that are there.
After the guest list headaches, chasing RSVPs and endlessly revising the seating plan, there may be some issues to consider so you can avoid any dramas with tricky wedding attendees.
Here are my top 6 tips for dealing with difficult wedding guests.
1. Think about your guest list from the start. Be specific on the invitation to avoid unexpected plus ones. Have a plan if an unexpected guest arrives.
2. Brief your attendants. Perhaps give them on stand by with a secret code word to intervene with difficult guests. Think about any guests that may need to be kept a part (or away from the free bar!)
3. Seat difficult guests near the back or side at the reception. Consider seating divorced couples apart. Think about having a sweetheart table if your parents are not able to sit together on a traditional top table.
4. Ensure guests are kept well fed (it helps soaks up alcohol) to avoid drunken antics. Happy guests are less likely to be tetchy or bored.
5. Ask for any dietary requirements in advance. Make sure there’s no surprises on the day.
6. Keep the children entertained to stave off boredom. Consider outside or an additional room for them to play.
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As well as general wedding planning chat, today there will be about bridesmaids’ duties #weddingplanning #UKWedLunch
Bridesmaid = a girl or woman (usually one of several) who accompanied a bride on her wedding day
Chief bridesmaid / Maid of honour = principle unmarried attendant
Matron of honour = married female attendant #UKWedLunch
Bridesmaids are the support network for the bride, headed up by the maid of honour, and help her to plan her big day #UKWedLunch
Chief bridesmaid acts as advisor, messenger and personal assistant to bride offering moral support more than anything else #UKWedLunch
Bridesmaids help choose their own outfits, attend fittings, form part of bridal procession, welcome guests, offer cake to guests #UKWedLunch
Chief bridesmaid organises hen party, holds bride’s bouquet during vows, arrange bride’s veil or train, helps with planning, provides advice and emotional support #UKWedLunch
Other duties could include acting as a witness if necessary, joining the receiving line, looking after the wedding dress during honeymoon, doing a reading #UKWedLunch
This week’s top tips were about bridesmaids’ duties #UKWedLunch
As well as general wedding planning chat, next week will be about networking #UKWedLunch
JOIN US EVERY WEDNESDAY! on Twitter between 1-2pm GMT
As well as general wedding planning chat, today we are talking about the role of the bridal party #weddingplanning #UKWedLunch
MATRON OF HONOUR / CHIEF BRIDESMAID: organises hen party, holds bride’s bouquet during vows, arrange bride’s veil or train, helps with planning, provides advice and emotional support #UKWedLunch
BEST MAN: getting groom to church on time, holding rings, toast and speech #UKWedLunch
USHER: parking attendants, escort guests to their seats, moving furniture, handing out order of service #UKWedLunch
FLOWERGIRL / PAGE: look cute, scatter petals, hold train #UKWedLunch
RING BEARER: carries a pillow down the aisle with the rings tied to it #UKWedLunch
FATHER OF THE BRIDE: walk the bride down the aisle, toast and speech, father/daughter dance #UKWedLunch
This week’s top tips were about the role of the bridal party #UKWedLunch
As well as general wedding planning chat, next week will be about bridesmaids’ duties #UKWedLunch
JOIN US EVERY WEDNESDAY! on Twitter between 1-2pm GMT
Once you’re over the hurdle of preparing your guest list and the headache of waiting (and chasing) for RSVPs, it will be time to decide where to seat your nearest and dearest for your wedding breakfast.
Take a look at our 10 point guide on how (and where) to seat your wedding guests to help you through what can be another tricky juggling act of keeping everyone happy. There’s etiquette, tradition, logistics, safety & practicalities to consider (as well as who Aunty Vera may have fallen out with) so that all can see and been seen by the bridal party.
1) size and shape
Firstly, establish what is possible at your venue. What could you fit in to the room? What is already available there? You need to think about the space, tables and chairs. Taking in to account the size, shape and style of these three elements. Count the number of tables and determine how many chairs can fit around the different shapes of table. This amount should accommodate your final guest numbers.
2) style of meal
How you lay out the tables can be dictated by the style of food that you will be serving. For example, if you’re having a casual meal or buffet then you may opt for guests to pick their own places when they’ve got their food rather than a formal sit down meal where everyone has an allocated place setting. To get guests to mix up, you could provide a bowl of numbers and people pick out their table number as they enter the reception.
3) structure
The formation of the tables will depend on their shape and the atmosphere you want to create. Family style sharing meals work well on rectangle banquet tables with benches on either side. Laying long tables in a horseshoe or T shape creates a focal point of the bridal party. Whilst round tables surrounded by chairs can cluster groups together for good interaction. Square tables give a great modern feel and don’t feel restricted to use a uniform type of table – mix and match shapes and sizes to suit your needs.
4) standard
Traditionally there is a head (or top) table containing at least the happy couple. In addition, etiquette suggests their parents, along with chief bridesmaid and groomsman join this long table facing the guests so that everyone can view the top table (eg Chief Bridesmaid, Groom’s Father, Bride’s Mother, Groom, Bride, Bride’s Father, Groom’s Mother, Best Man). Working away from this focal point, others from the wedding party are grouped near to the top table, followed by closest relatives, then friends, and finally colleagues.
5) substitutes
Let’s face it, you can have whoever you want on the top table (or no top table at all!) Nowadays there are many alternative schemes to factor in different family circumstances and partnerships. The top table could be round rather than rectangle so the wedding party get to chat too. The top table could just contain the two most important members of the day whilst the rest of the bridal party host their own family members on separate tables. Sometimes brides and grooms choose to sit at a different table for each course to mingle with all their guests.
6) special considerations
As well as knowing how many people you’re seating, you’ll need to factor in any accessibility requirements for any young, elderly or incapacitated guests such as incorporating requests for highchairs. People with any tasks to carry out during the meal or speeches should be able to get out of their place easily too. There’s always a temptation to match make with a singles table, though my advice would always be to keep people with people they already know (and like). Tradition suggests alternating men and women around a table.
7) system
How to plan who sits where is a fine and delicate art often thrown by last minute cancellations and feuds. There are lots of online planning tools, apps and software available to help solve this issue. However, nothing beats a large piece of paper containing the floor plan of your room with blank tables drawn in the right places. Then get some small coloured sticky tabs in perhaps three colours (for men, women and children). Write each guest’s name on the relevant coloured tab and stick these around the table templates until you’re happy with the seating combinations.
8) selecting tables
There are many options and ways to personalise your tables including the names you give each table or how you number them. One of my favourites at the moment is showing a picture of both of the happy couple at the age that the table number corresponds with.
9) seating plan
There a couple of options to ensure that guests get to the table you’ve allocated to them. Firstly, you can display a seating plans of the different tables listing which guests are sat at each table. Ideally have a couple of these plans to avoid everyone bunching around one and placing it outside of the room for people to view it ahead of time to avoid a rush on entry. Alternatively, escort cards can be displayed (perhaps alphabetically) which each contain the name of a guest along with the table name/number where they are to be seated. In both scenarios, place name cards on the table can show guests where to sit or they could pick their own seat.
10) seating at ceremonies
It’s not just the reception to consider but you may want to offer a modern take on where people sit at the ceremony too. Traditionally in a religious building, the Bride’s family sit on the left of the premises and the Groom’s sit on the right. However, many people are asking their guests to pick a seat not a side. Plus if the venue is less formal you can move away from rows of chairs and opt for a circle around the couple or even a spiral of chairs working inwards to the couple.
Last month I started to talk about the three key aspects of planning a wedding that pretty much affect every other thing that is connected with your big day. These are where, who and how much (otherwise known as your venue, guests and budget). These are a group of three things that are united. As I mentioned in the post that looked at when to get married, nearly all the decisions you have to make about your wedding will come back to one, two or all of the elements in what I class as the holy trinity of wedding planning.
This month I’m going to tackle the who element and your all-important guest list (and will look at the where and how much aspects another time).
There will probably be some tough decisions to make with your guest list. Perhaps the reality of your budget means you have to rein in a few of your plans, or other people’s involvement means compromising on some thoughts, or maybe who you want to invite and have on your guest list causes headaches.
Here are 10 things that can dictate and influence who gets to come to the big day:
1. Venue
Firstly the other two elements of the holy trinity of wedding planning (the where and how much) will have a massive say on how many guests you can invite. For example, you can’t decide on a venue without knowing how many people you want to invite. Or maybe you want to pick your dream venue and have the size of the place dictate the number of guests you can invite. The venue could also influence the style of wedding you have based on how many guests you’re allowed in the room for a ceremony, a sit down meal or a standing buffet (this number will vary depending on the number of chairs and tables required for different room set ups).
Where you hold your wedding may affect whether people are able to travel to it. For instance, if you have a destination wedding abroad or hold it in a different part of the country to where your family live. These decisions could mean that elderly relatives can’t make it or people can’t take extra time off work to travel or stay over at the venue. Although, maybe you want to limit the numbers and so eloping or flying off to Vegas may be the best option for you so that you have just a few select guests there. (Bear in mind that infamous episode of Don’t Tell the Bride though and don’t eliminate important guests ie pick one sibling over the other to go to a destination wedding!)
2. Budget
The other part of the holy trinity of wedding planning is the money side of things. How much you have to spend will definitely factor in to how many people you can invite. It might not just be about how many people you can fit in the room, but how many you can afford to be there too. There are some costs that won’t change no matter how many people are there but there a number of variable costs that will alter depending on how many people are enjoying them. These costs include the food, favours, cake, drinks, stationery (such as invites, menus, orders of services etc) and the size of the bridal party. Plus if you are going abroad, consider whether you or your guests pay for their transport, travel and hotel costs.
[Look out for more on budgeting advice for weddings and venue choices in future blog posts about the holy trinity of wedding planning coming soon.]
3. Timing
I covered quite a bit about this aspect in the So, when’s the big day? post last month. Suffice to say that the day of the week could have a big impact on whether people would be able to attend and also if it’s during a holiday time. If you really want to ensure people can make it then the best advice is to give them as much notice as possible. Send out save the date cards or discuss with key people to find out whether they could make it.
4. Law
Let’s bring this back down to the basics. The most important people to be at your wedding are you and your partner. As well as you two, you only really need 3 (or 4) other people to be there if you want an intimate affair. So as long as you’ve got someone to carry out the ceremony (plus a registrar if the person who conducts the ceremony is not authorised to register marriages) and two witnesses then you’re sorted. Anyone else is a bonus.
5. Family
It’s probably best to start with your nearest and dearest. Who could you not do without in order to enjoy the day? These are probably your parents, siblings, family and close friends. If you have a very large family, it could mean that you don’t have many spaces left for lots of other guests!
6. Wedding party
Then there’s the crew that stand alongside you on the big day. These reliable, supportive and trusted friends are who you are putting all your faith in to ensure your day goes smoothly. So pick your team wisely (this was a top tip from one bride in the Wedding day advice from real brides and grooms blog). It is entirely up to you how big to make your wedding party. But consider that how many people are in the bridal party will affect the number of bridesmaids dresses, bouquets, gifts, suits etc that you have to include in the budget (yes, everything comes back to the holy trinity of wedding planning again!) Decide and discuss what you are going to pay for and what elements you require to be paid for by the wedding party as soon as you can.
7. Wallet
Now this is the biggy and probably the most political and controversial aspect. Who is paying for the wedding? If you are paying for your own wedding, you pretty much can decide all elements yourself. Or at least have the final say. However, if the money is coming from someone else you may feel indebted to honour their wishes or requests. For example, if your parents are paying then they may want to invite many of their own guests to the day. Traditionally it is etiquette for the bride’s and groom’s parents to have a proportion of the guest list to allocate themselves. Often it comes down to a bit of compromise. For me, I didn’t want to look around the room and not know the people that were sharing our day. With an intimate occasion, I didn’t want to invite a long-list relative at the sacrifice of inviting a dear friend.
8. Day vs evening
If you have the option to be able to split the day to different elements then you could include additional people as evening guests to join you after the main meal. But try to make sure it’s not just a tagged on event and still includes elements of a wedding day to make them feel like valued additions to the day.
9. Plus ones
You’ll also need to decide whether you are going to include children to your wedding. Are you inviting work colleagues? If you’re not limited to numbers will you allow single guests to bring plus ones that you potentially might not even know?
10. Who?
Ultimately, it all boils down to who you want in the room with you and how well do you want to know the people that are there. Honestly, you’ll start to see pound signs appearing above your friends and family’s heads! I guess, it’s a crude way to think of it but in reality you’ve got to think ‘Would I take this person out to dinner and pay for their meal?’ (or pay for them to have a drink, if you are having a separate evening guest list). Do you know them? Do you like them? Have you seen them recently? Do you want them to share your day with you?
When you look back on your big day your wedding photographs will be a snap shot of your family and circle of friends at that moment in time.
There’s no right or wrong answer on who to invite to your wedding. Nor is there a magical formula that will work it out for you. Ultimately, you should invite guests that you want to share your special day with. When you look around the room you want to know that everyone in the room is an important part of your life and it is precious to have all the people you care about in one place at the same time.
So, you’ve got all your guests to the venue, now where do you seat them? Look out for a guide to organising your seating plan in another blog post soon.
6) special considerations
Last month I started to talk about the three key aspects of planning a wedding that pretty much affect every other thing that is connected with your big day. These are 
