ceremony | Hanami Dream | Cotswolds copywriter

To absent friends

by Hanami Dream | 12, January, 2016 | blog, tips

Your wedding day is one of the happiest days of your life. When you look around the room you’ll see all the people that you love, however you may also notice all the people that are missing from the celebrations too.

Not to put a dampener on proceedings but inevitably there may be some people who won’t be able to join you on your big day perhaps due to distance, illness or because they have passed away. Telegrams are often traditionally read by those who couldn’t make it and sometimes a toast is raised to absent friends.My own wedding day was tinged with some sadness as my father suddenly passed away 9 weeks before we got married. It was a huge shock and at one point we considered whether we should postpone the wedding. I guess this is why we bought wedding insurance but I didn’t want to be sat around on our chosen date commenting that we would’ve been getting married today. We decided to go ahead and it gave our family something positive to focus on.

I certainly didn’t anticipate having to organise a funeral in the midst of wedding preparations but it did give me some clarity for the day. My father wasn’t around much when I was growing up and he wasn’t always that reliable. He had been unwell for some time prior to his death and so we didn’t know if he’d be well enough to be a part of the day at all, let alone even turn up. Or if he had turned up whether he’d been ill at the reception. Although it was unpleasant circumstances, at least I knew whether he would actually be there or not!

We had already asked my mum to do the ‘mother of the bride’ speech and my Grandad proudly walked me down the aisle (which was fitting as he was such an influential part of my life), and my husband toasted our absent friends in his speech. We didn’t want the day to be dominated by the recent sad events, so we chose not to do anything more public – everything was still too raw to cope with anything else.

I knew the day was going to be emotional but we also had this immense warm feeling of love from all our friends and family who were there and all knew about the ‘elephant in the room’. They were so caring, supportive and encouraging. There was torrential rain the day before we got married (it was August – thanks British weather!) and again the day after. Yet on the day of our wedding it was glorious sunshine and the grass was a lush green and the flowers were all blooming after being refreshed from the rain. In the car on the way to the church, my Grandad told me that he thought the sunshine was his late wife (my Nanny) shining down on us.

I know that my other Nan still watches our wedding DVD back frequently so that she can see her now late husband enjoying the day. The photos too are a snapshot of the people that were in our lives at that time and who we were fortunate to share our special day with. There were poignant moments but the sadness didn’t dictate the day. It was certainly a day of huge celebration. We didn’t forget those that has passed but we didn’t dwell on their passing.

Here are some suggestions of ways to privately or publicly remember lost loved ones at weddings:

Photographs – framed photos set up on a table or part of a family tree, hanging in photo charms on your bouquet, hanging from shoes or placed in a locket
Jewellery – wear heirlooms or gifts from the loved one, wear their wedding bands tied round an ankle or wrist, wear or melt down their wedding band to make your own
Embroidery – material from a piece of their clothing stitched in your wedding dress, use their handkerchiefs or ties, have monograms of their initials stitched in your dress
Candles – a lit candle in church or on a table in the reception
Flowers – use their favourite flower, have a single flower in a vase, put your bouquet on their grave afterwards
Ceremony – dedicate a reading to them, include a tribute in the order of service, get the celebrant to mention them
Chairs – have a reserved seat for them at the ceremony (although this may be a little emotional to see an empty chair there)
Reception – name tables after them, toast them in your speech, place a drink for them at the bar, use a special piece of music
Favours – donate to a relevant charity or place a charity pin as a favour
Releases – let balloons, Chinese lanterns or butterflies float off in to the sky

‘If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.’
A. A. Milne

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To love and to cherish

by Hanami Dream | 11, November, 2015 | blog, guest post, tips

We don’t have a television at the moment. After some building work before the summer we moved it and have never reinstated it. We haven’t missed it at all and what it has meant is that we only watch something that we really want to watch now (rather than flicking through channels if we are tired) or do other things instead.

I’ve taken to watching iPlayer whilst I cook and found some great period dramas over the summer to watch such as The Duchess of Devonshire, The Scandalous Lady W and Lady Chatterley’s Lover. I soon discovered that there’s a common thread through these and realised that all of these films made me feel really lucky to be a wife of this century. Plus along with the recent film release of Suffragette, I’m very grateful that I have choices and rights that my ancestors wouldn’t have had.

The vows I chose to make when I got married were promises rather than laws. I didn’t become the property of my husband and I chose not to ‘obey’ him in my vows. However a few centuries ago people didn’t have this same luxury. We live in a time when marriage is about partnership, lifelong companionship and equal rights.

The wording of the Church of England traditional wedding vows includes the bride promising to ‘obey’ and the groom vowing to ‘worship’ his wife. However some couples choose to leave out these words nowadays and alternatively choose ‘to love and to honour’ or ‘love and cherish’.

Traditional vows
‘I, (name), take you, (name)
to be my wife/husband,
to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death us do part’

Traditional promises
Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her,
and, forsaking all others,
be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

Whilst traditional vows still hold a lot of meaning, relevance and importance, we are also able to choose to make those vows more personal depending on the type of ceremony. Especially in humanist or non-religious ceremonies where you can personalise and express yourself completely when writing your own vows. Whilst sometimes the amount of choices we have in life can be overwhelming, I remain grateful that we have choices.

Over the past four years, Zena Birch has worked very closely with couples to help them create their own personal vows to go alongside or precede more traditional ring vows. Here are some of her top tips for writing your own vows.

In a humanist ceremony instead of holding themselves accountable to a god or a deity, couples are actually asking those gathered to hold them accountable as they witness their public declarations. Therefore the words they say as they make their vows and their promises to each other are more important than ever.

In today’s age it is possible to live very happily together without getting married, so when a couple decide to take this extra step it is a deeply personal commitment. Your vows are to be celebrated every year you manage to uphold them, but they should also be the words that hold you fast when times get difficult and as such it is important that the vows you say to each other are made up of the values and commitments you are willing to stand by.

My couples and I work together to discover just what those words/promises might be. It can be very daunting – faced with a blank page and some of the most important words you are ever going to say, so the advice I tend to give is to make sure they:

sound like you, they should have your tone of voice, they should be authentic – if you tease each other, there is no harm in an element of this being reflected within your vows, this is just as important as a sense of solemnity. Capturing the twinkle in your eye as well as the sincerity in your heart is key.
reflect what you have both agreed to commit to one another. Although many couples decide to say their vows as a surprise to each other on the day, it is important that the process involved in creating them is shared so that they are in agreement with their core values.
Enjoy creating them!

We are lucky to live in an era where our own words hold validity. Writing your own wedding vows is a very enriching experience and one which can really help lay the foundations needed for a long and joy filled marriage.

For more information on a humanist ceremony go to www.zenabirch.com or contact zenabirchweddings@gmail.com

@humanistwedding

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