Weddings are a wonderful celebration of love and marriage. And how wonderful to have all the people you care about in the same place at the same time. Along with the wedding party, the other beautifully attired guests in the room will have invested their time and money to be there on the day with you too.
At one point in my life I was a serial wedding guest and also could often be seen wearing a fancy dress stood at the front (although only as a bridesmaid all too often). Luckily I’ve now found my Prince Charming and I vowed to learn from all the weddings I’d attended to ensure that our wedding guests had an amazing time.
Here are my top ten tips to keeping your wedding guests happy and ensure your wedding is remembered as a great day by all:
1. Keep your guests fed, watered and entertained then you pretty much can’t go wrong. Fail at one of these and they’ll get twitchy, tetchy or bored. Remember everyone loves free things! If you can’t afford to pay for the bar all night then perhaps welcome drinks and some with the meal will be a nice gesture. Plus as someone with dietary requirements, I’m always impressed (& relieved) when different diets are considered at a wedding (which means I’ve got something to eat to soak up all that free drink!)
2. Keep them busy. No one likes to sit around for too long. Getting them involved and interacting will keep them engaged. Perhaps a video diary room for them to leave you a message or a photo booth for some fun. Don’t forget the children too with activities to keep their minds busy (and parents happy!)
3. Set expectations early. People are generally happier if they know what is happening and when. Give them a schedule with their invites (or in the order of service) so they at least know when the food will be served. Make it really clear in your invites who exactly is invited and to which parts. I was invited to a wedding a few years ago and the invite didn’t have any names on it. We didn’t know if our children were included let alone if we were both invited! Worse still, make it clear if they’re only being invited to the evening part rather than all day. Nothing worse than having to embarrassingly turn away guests.
4. Give clear and consistent communications. Make sure you say the same things to everyone. Don’t have different rules for different people. Or if you do, be clear why this is the case. For example, if you’ve said that it’s a kid free wedding but then you let one of your out of town guests bring their little ones with them. Or I once went to a wedding and wondered why so many of the guests were dressed in black and white. It turns out that one side of the family had been told that the couple had requested a colour scheme. However this message hadn’t been translated to all the guests including me (in my green and brown dress) and my husband (in his blue suit) plus the rest of our side of the family!
5. Choose your guests carefully. They say that the enjoyment of most gatherings can be made or broken depending on who is there. People do really make the party! So the all important seating plan can dictate what kind of a day your guests might have. Often I’ve been a guest at the evening part of a wedding and not really known anyone except for the happy couple. It’s been really hard to integrate with the day guests when you don’t know them and when you’re coming to the show late. So make sure that you can offer the evening guests a flavour of the day too. Perhaps save cutting your cake and first dance so they get to experience some ‘wedding’ elements in their experience too.
6. Inject some humour in to the day. Honestly the best weddings I’ve been to have been when I’ve been belly laughing at the speeches. Not the ones where I’ve been cringing at the inappropriateness, or yawning at the length of the speech or felt like an outsider as I didn’t understand any of the in jokes. Laughter is great and it’s really important to make the day fun for everyone but not just for a select few.
7. Show your love and gratitude. Guests may have come a long way, taken time off work or paid to stay over. So let them know how much you appreciate their support and presence either with words or presents. Isn’t it great to see a happy couple so in love and making this commitment. As a guest, I’ve definitely enjoyed weddings where the couple really look in love (it’s never good if you’re doubting whether it will work!) Just like the royal kiss on the balcony, we’re all waiting for the ‘you may now kiss the bride’ moment after your vows.
8. Pick the perfect place to say I do. Your guests don’t want to be freezing in a marquee in the winter or glomping across a muddy field in stilettos. If you’re going with something a little out of the norm then give your guests warning on different attire to wear or provide blankets, flip flops, sunglasses etc to cover the different eventualities. A wonderful trend at the moment is the weekend wedding when you pick a venue where your guests can stay over too. This is great to prolong the festivities and give you more opportunities to relax and mingle with all your guests.
9. Personalise the day. Where you can, try to make the experience individual for your guests so they feel special and an important part of your day. I once went to a wedding and the favours were all bars of chocolate. The wrapper was printed with a photograph of me as a child with the groom (who I’d know since I was very small). Every favour was personal to each guest and how they knew the couple. It still makes me smile thinking about it today.
10. Make it affordable. Think about your guests’ wallets when you’re planning the day. How much does a pint of beer cost at the bar? How much is a room to stay? How far away is the venue from where they live? It may put some guests off or leave a bad taste if things are too expensive or not good value for money. You may look at your guests with dollar signs over the head when you’re writing the guest list but they’re weighing up the expensive of coming too. Make it worth their while and give them a great wedding to remember.
Last month I started to talk about the three key aspects of planning a wedding that pretty much affect every other thing that is connected with your big day. These are where, who and how much (otherwise known as your venue, guests and budget). These are a group of three things that are united. As I mentioned in the post that looked at when to get married, nearly all the decisions you have to make about your wedding will come back to one, two or all of the elements in what I class as the holy trinity of wedding planning.
This month I’m going to tackle the who element and your all-important guest list (and will look at the where and how much aspects another time).
There will probably be some tough decisions to make with your guest list. Perhaps the reality of your budget means you have to rein in a few of your plans, or other people’s involvement means compromising on some thoughts, or maybe who you want to invite and have on your guest list causes headaches.
Here are 10 things that can dictate and influence who gets to come to the big day:
1. Venue
Firstly the other two elements of the holy trinity of wedding planning (the where and how much) will have a massive say on how many guests you can invite. For example, you can’t decide on a venue without knowing how many people you want to invite. Or maybe you want to pick your dream venue and have the size of the place dictate the number of guests you can invite. The venue could also influence the style of wedding you have based on how many guests you’re allowed in the room for a ceremony, a sit down meal or a standing buffet (this number will vary depending on the number of chairs and tables required for different room set ups).
Where you hold your wedding may affect whether people are able to travel to it. For instance, if you have a destination wedding abroad or hold it in a different part of the country to where your family live. These decisions could mean that elderly relatives can’t make it or people can’t take extra time off work to travel or stay over at the venue. Although, maybe you want to limit the numbers and so eloping or flying off to Vegas may be the best option for you so that you have just a few select guests there. (Bear in mind that infamous episode of Don’t Tell the Bride though and don’t eliminate important guests ie pick one sibling over the other to go to a destination wedding!)
2. Budget
The other part of the holy trinity of wedding planning is the money side of things. How much you have to spend will definitely factor in to how many people you can invite. It might not just be about how many people you can fit in the room, but how many you can afford to be there too. There are some costs that won’t change no matter how many people are there but there a number of variable costs that will alter depending on how many people are enjoying them. These costs include the food, favours, cake, drinks, stationery (such as invites, menus, orders of services etc) and the size of the bridal party. Plus if you are going abroad, consider whether you or your guests pay for their transport, travel and hotel costs.
[Look out for more on budgeting advice for weddings and venue choices in future blog posts about the holy trinity of wedding planning coming soon.]
3. Timing
I covered quite a bit about this aspect in the So, when’s the big day? post last month. Suffice to say that the day of the week could have a big impact on whether people would be able to attend and also if it’s during a holiday time. If you really want to ensure people can make it then the best advice is to give them as much notice as possible. Send out save the date cards or discuss with key people to find out whether they could make it.
4. Law
Let’s bring this back down to the basics. The most important people to be at your wedding are you and your partner. As well as you two, you only really need 3 (or 4) other people to be there if you want an intimate affair. So as long as you’ve got someone to carry out the ceremony (plus a registrar if the person who conducts the ceremony is not authorised to register marriages) and two witnesses then you’re sorted. Anyone else is a bonus.
5. Family
It’s probably best to start with your nearest and dearest. Who could you not do without in order to enjoy the day? These are probably your parents, siblings, family and close friends. If you have a very large family, it could mean that you don’t have many spaces left for lots of other guests!
6. Wedding party
Then there’s the crew that stand alongside you on the big day. These reliable, supportive and trusted friends are who you are putting all your faith in to ensure your day goes smoothly. So pick your team wisely (this was a top tip from one bride in the Wedding day advice from real brides and grooms blog). It is entirely up to you how big to make your wedding party. But consider that how many people are in the bridal party will affect the number of bridesmaids dresses, bouquets, gifts, suits etc that you have to include in the budget (yes, everything comes back to the holy trinity of wedding planning again!) Decide and discuss what you are going to pay for and what elements you require to be paid for by the wedding party as soon as you can.
7. Wallet
Now this is the biggy and probably the most political and controversial aspect. Who is paying for the wedding? If you are paying for your own wedding, you pretty much can decide all elements yourself. Or at least have the final say. However, if the money is coming from someone else you may feel indebted to honour their wishes or requests. For example, if your parents are paying then they may want to invite many of their own guests to the day. Traditionally it is etiquette for the bride’s and groom’s parents to have a proportion of the guest list to allocate themselves. Often it comes down to a bit of compromise. For me, I didn’t want to look around the room and not know the people that were sharing our day. With an intimate occasion, I didn’t want to invite a long-list relative at the sacrifice of inviting a dear friend.
8. Day vs evening
If you have the option to be able to split the day to different elements then you could include additional people as evening guests to join you after the main meal. But try to make sure it’s not just a tagged on event and still includes elements of a wedding day to make them feel like valued additions to the day.
9. Plus ones
You’ll also need to decide whether you are going to include children to your wedding. Are you inviting work colleagues? If you’re not limited to numbers will you allow single guests to bring plus ones that you potentially might not even know?
10. Who?
Ultimately, it all boils down to who you want in the room with you and how well do you want to know the people that are there. Honestly, you’ll start to see pound signs appearing above your friends and family’s heads! I guess, it’s a crude way to think of it but in reality you’ve got to think ‘Would I take this person out to dinner and pay for their meal?’ (or pay for them to have a drink, if you are having a separate evening guest list). Do you know them? Do you like them? Have you seen them recently? Do you want them to share your day with you?
When you look back on your big day your wedding photographs will be a snap shot of your family and circle of friends at that moment in time.
There’s no right or wrong answer on who to invite to your wedding. Nor is there a magical formula that will work it out for you. Ultimately, you should invite guests that you want to share your special day with. When you look around the room you want to know that everyone in the room is an important part of your life and it is precious to have all the people you care about in one place at the same time.
So, you’ve got all your guests to the venue, now where do you seat them? Look out for a guide to organising your seating plan in another blog post soon.
Photography by Farrow Photography red wicker heart on black and white checkered floor
Queen of Heart's throne with red paper flowers, ivy and her red heart wand, red heart box and ace of hearts and ace of clubs playing cards
close up of red paper flowers and ivy wrapped around back of wooden garden chair
plate of jam tarts with heart tops
It’s February and it might be the shortest month but it is often referred to as one of the most romantic months of the year (especially if Hallmark have done their job properly in convincing you, if you didn’t already agree). Plus this year there is double the chance of a proposal this month (if you are waiting for one patiently) with not only Valentine’s Day on the 14th, but as it is a leap year you can take matters in to your own hands and pop the question yourself on the 29th. We look forward to hearing all the forthcoming engagement stories and wedding plans. (Meanwhile if you are looking for inspiration on ways to propose (or if you just love hearing how people get betrothed) then take a look at some proposal stories from real brides that we’ve curated.)
Congratulations if you are recently engaged. Telling people your big news and flashing your new piece of jewellery is such an exciting time and how wonderful to be spreading good news amongst your nearest and dearest. Unfortunately, just telling the romantic (or run of the mill) engagement story is often not enough information for some of our family and friends. And I imagine that almost in the same breath as wishing you their congratulations, one of the first questions that you’ll get asked (again and again) when you first announce your engagement is ‘So, when is the big day?’ (After you’re married the question then becomes ‘So, when are you having a baby?’ But that’s a different story!)
If you’ve not set the date yet, this can be quite a daunting question and certainly one that requires quite a bit of thought. So before you rush to send out your save the date cards, please let us offer our guidance on how (and when) to set your wedding date.
Consider the holy trinity of wedding planning
For me, there are three key aspects of wedding planning that go hand in hand and pretty much affect every other thing that is connected with your big day. These are Venue, Guests and Budget (otherwise known as where, who and how much). They co-exist as you can’t really pick your venue without knowing how much you have to spend and how many people you want to invite. Likewise, you might not be able to invite all your guests due to venue size and money constraints. And let’s face it, your budget may well dictate whether you can afford your dream venue or how many second cousins removed can be invited. So they’re a bit like the chicken and the egg (and the farmyard!) as you can’t decide one thing without the other. (Don’t worry we’ll be talking lots about these three elements in future blog posts coming very soon!)
Anyway, I digress as we are actually talking about the when aspect of wedding planning at the moment. However, the where, who and how much elements very much affect when your big day will be too. For example, venues may have different prices depending on the time of the year and do you when your key guests or wedding party be available. Trust me, nearly all the decisions you have to make about your wedding will come back to one, two or all of the elements in what I class as the holy trinity of wedding planning.
Timing is everything
I married a school teacher so instantly my choices were limited for wedding dates if I wanted to have a honeymoon after the ceremony. (Honestly, I used to take a holiday in November time to enjoy some winter sunshine before I met my husband. But even before kids, I had to resign myself to more expensive non term time holidays! Heavy sign!) So, we chose the summer holidays which then meant we had to consider other people’s travel commitments and it impactedon our budget as it was in the height of wedding season. We also had to consider availability of certain suppliers at a busy time. One benefit of marrying a teacher though is that we weren’t restricted to a weekend date which made it cheaper on the venue costs (although would mean that some of our guests had to take a day off work). See what I mean about it always coming back to decisions or compromises based on cost, guests or venue!
So you have to decide what are your must haves (ie what you’re not willing to compromise on) and what you can be flexible with. For example, in order to get your dream venue are you willing to wait a couple of years to get the right date. Here are some things to bear in mind when picking your date:
Year – which year are you thinking? This year? Next year? Or several years down the line? This may seem like a basic question but if you want to do something this year then suppliers and venues may already be booked up. So think about how long you have /want to plan the wedding. The more notice you give then the more likely you are able to have your first choice. Only last week I heard a supplier say that they have been booked for a 2020 wedding – now that is forward planning!
Time of year / season – this could affect what the weather is likely to be like (although who knows what the British weather is up to at the moment!) which could influence your themes, colours, venue, attire, transportation, food choice etc etc. Also different seasons can have an impact on the price and availability of food and flowers. I really wanted the church to be crammed full of cowslip when I got married but this is just nowhere to be seen in August!
Month – the old Catholic marriage song below states your fate as a couple depending on the month you choose to wed. At the time, it was unusual and unlucky for a couple to get married in May as this was the start of Summer and was marked by a pagan feast. Although this superstition may date further back to Roman times. On the contrary, June and other summer months are very popular and even December is gaining in popularity, presumably so that people can use holiday time around the big day. It is worth considering different months as popular ones are in demand so prices may increase and availability will decrease.
Marry when the year is new, always loving, always true, When February birds do mate, you may wed or dread your fate If you wed when March winds blow, joy and sorrow both you’ll know Marry in April when you can, joy for maiden and for man, Marry in the month of May, you will surely rue the day, Marry when June roses blow, over land and sea you’ll go, They who in July do wed, must labour always for their bread, Whoever wed in August be, many a change are sure to see, Marry in September’s shine, your living will be rich and fine, If in October you do marry, love will come but riches tarry, If you wed in bleak November, only Joy will remember, When December snows fall fast, marry and true love will last.
Day of the week – ironically in another old poem, it states that getting married on a Saturday is unlucky which nowadays is the most common day for people to tie the knot. However it is also one of the most expensive days too. We chose a Friday which still had the benefit of being near a weekend for people to tag on holiday and was slightly cheaper. More people are now considering other weekdays as options and Sundays too (although this used to be deemed as a mark of disrespect which is probably why it is not mentioned in the version of the poem I sourced).
Monday: Brides will be healthy Tuesday: Brides will be wealthy Wednesday: Brides do best of all Thursday: Brides will suffer losses Friday: Brides will suffer crosses Saturday: Brides will have no luck at all
Date – superstition often forces couples to avoid the 13th of the month (especially if it falls on a Friday), your birthday, the day of a full moon, April Fool’s Day and it used to be forbidden to get married in Lent and Advent by the church. Some people think that 7 is supposed to be a lucky number whilst 4 is deemed unlucky in Japanese and Chinese traditions so dates with these numbers may be sought after or avoided by couples. Instead perhaps you want to pick a meaningful date to you such as the anniversary of the date you first met, a memorable date that you’ll remember like 12/12/12 or a nod to your heritage such as your grandparents’ wedding anniversary date.
Time of day – as someone who is very much driven by their stomach, I would always advise to think about how meal times fit around the formal parts of the day. You don’t want to be having a ceremony when everyone’s tummies are rumbling and there’s no sign of a meal for hours. (As an aside, always keep your guests fed, watered and entertained.) Wedding ceremonies that took place before noon were said to be lucky versus the inverse in the afternoon. However, if you hold a later ceremony you could save money if you only have to feed your guests once in the day.
Day or night – a wedding after dark used to be considered unlucky but you could split your guests up to have some come for the whole day and others just join you for the evening part of the day so you don’t have to pay for all of them to have a sit down meal.
Duration – nowadays more and more couples are choosing to have a weekend long wedding over 2-3 days to enjoy the company of their friends and family for longer. This would obviously add cost and commitment from all parties if you were going for his option.
What else is going on in the world
You may be living and breathing your wedding and everything else in the world is taking a back seat. However, things are still going on around you and some national, local and annual events may have an impact on your guests involvement, availability and enjoyment. For example:
Public holidays – you may want to avoid them as they might increase traffic on the roads near holiday spots or because guests will have family commitments. Or embrace them as people will instantly have a day off.
Sporting events – things like the Olympics this year, the FA Cup final and the Euros may be distracting if you’ve got any keen sporting fans attending your wedding.
Royal occasions – it doesn’t look likely there’s a royal wedding this year (we were certainly worried Will and Kate were going to pick the same date as us in 2011!) but the Queen is celebrating her 90th birthday in June so people may have plans to mark that occasion.
Other people’s occasions – no one really wants to share their big day with someone else’s thunder. So you may want to avoid other people’s birthdays, wedding anniversaries, and religious festivals. Unbeknown to us, there were two other couples that were guests at our wedding who got married on the same date as us (they are teachers too!). They actually liked it as it was a great way to celebrate their own anniversary. However, if it had been a milestone anniversary they might have thought differently. Likewise picking a date near a close friend or family member’s own wedding day might not go down too well either.
Take a look at a list of some events (in England) in 2016 that could influence your choice of dates.
Good luck on your quest to pick a date for your wedding day and therefore your wedding anniversary date for years to come. I know a lot of thought will go in to answering the question of ‘So, when is the big day?’ Remember to pick a date that works for you (and the holy trinity of wedding planning obviously!)
We’d love to hear your engagement stories please contact me with how you proposed or were proposed to.
Last month I started to talk about the three key aspects of planning a wedding that pretty much affect every other thing that is connected with your big day. These are 
